'Twas summed up today

Stare back at me

And leave your judgement on a shelf

Put your comments somewhere else

Stare back at me

Stare back at me

Into eyes too dark to be pretty

Rimmed with a hope in such pure a form

It could grow a seed in an evil storm

Stare back at me

Stare into me

Breathe when I choose to

Because this moment is flawless

Exempt from forced kindness

Because I've had a bad day

Stare into me

Help me to smile

Because I need your strength lent

Right now

I'm not feeling optimistic

About my ability to love beyond fear of embarrassment

Try your best

To show me how

Help me to smile

Grow up, you can't be everybody's friend

We get in a debate

She and I

Before she leaves

About what it means

To have friends that matter

And she'd rather give her time to those that matter

Than those that don't care

Either way

Me

I'm still young-headed

And yell back at her logic

"I can try!" I shout

We all have potential!

She

sees through my argument

some people just don't

not everyone will come to your wedding

And I know she's right

But I get hot

Mad...shaken up

Because I know I've tried and failed

more than once

with more than one person

with my idealistic

rose colored glasses

Last year

I walked through fire

and the color

is starting to melt off my lenses

It's 2010 brotha!!! Smile pretty!!!

2010.

Woot.

That's all I gotta say.

First off....I might just fail pre-calculus...again. I understand it perfectly well...until I take a test.

It's so cold outside I just want to walk around with coals in my pants.

And finally, I'm getting annoyed with the earlier darkness since winter's come.

Let me start off by saying I kicked off the new year in style.

Went to a party...hosted by a pretty famous business man in Florida.

Watched everyone else get crazy about the lobster and filet mignon dinner.

Wore a party hat with feathers before midnight = awesomeness.

Marveled at fireworks shot off the beach.

Looked at antique and extremely expensive cars and vespas belonging to unnamed business man.

It was a blast. And let's not forget the resolutions!!

(A couple years ago, my resolution was to be a vegetarian...and I kept it. I hope that's a good omen for 2010 since last year's "write more letters to my friends" reso. was kind of a bust.

Uno. Gym membership. Need to work out and tone. Maybe it will give me energy, maybe it will make me feel a little closer to being fit.

2. Learn how to sew. Preferably baby things that can be given as baby shower gifts. How cute would it be to receive a little pink dress handmade by a friend?

And... Spread a little more joy

I'd like to end this post mentioning the fact that my first day back to school went poorly. I got so upset during Pre-calc that I actually started shaking, and then I used the "independent study time" to take a walk around the school and cry a little. I'm becoming one of those cliche rebel-at-heart-sick-of-the-small-town whack jobs found in Lifetime movies.

But that walk helped me get it together.

Because life is not measured in bad days. It's measured in days that take you breath away, remind you why life is great, or inspire you to be a better person. It's measured in prayers answered, successes after failures, and trying your best.

This year try your best! Don't let this year just fly by...it shouldn't be forgotten!! Remember every moment and smile!

HAPPY NEW YEAR PEEPS

I forget how much my grandma loves me

Holiday Shopping.

Need I say more?

Who doesn't love getting all bundled up and walking with Jack Frost nipping at your nose to go buy gifts for people who probably don't need them? Haha..just kidding! I love Christmas/Hanukah shopping...it's tremendously exciting!! I love gift wrap and tissue paper and glitter and ribbon and all of the "NEW" this and "ON SALE" that. My favorite store is Anthropologie (http://www.anthropologie.com) because even though it's a chain, all of the stores manage to seem different. The stores are like happy little worlds where fairies spend all day sewing soft and beautiful costumes of wonder. One of the greatest things about Anthro is the attention to detail. This season, the store is decorated with paper snowflakes and giant animals made out of pages. So cool!

I took my grandma there yesterday, and she just COULD NOT GET OVER the fact that a wooden stump was being used for a store decoration, "Now, If my mother could see this, she wouldn't b'lieve it...stumps belong in barns not..ugh". Anyways, it's been a while since I've shopped with Mammaw, and I'd forgotten how eager she was to make me happy...because every time I exclaimed "Oh I LOVE this", and "THIS IS SO CUTE!!" she would linger there for a few seconds like she was going to buy it. I wanted to say "Mammaw, just because I say I like it doesn't mean I HAVE TO HAVE IT!". It was a little horrifying, because then I realized I had said something in a happy giddy voice about way too much stuff and I hadn't meant to indirectly ask for it. I began to try something different. Instead of being melodramatic and carelessly scattering hyperbolic exclamations about the stuff I liked, I'd say "It's ok...I mean it's nice"...which felt too weird so I went back to my fat-kid-in-a-candy-store voice. I must say I am disappointed with my lack of restraint. What can I say, I'm a sucker for all things magical.

We are just breakable girls and boys

Sometimes I get moody like the people I silently judge everyday.

When I get upset at people, I'll let them have it. My anger is usually directed at people who don't listen when I speak, really listen, when I feel them dismiss me simply with their eyes. Also, people who say stupid things because they think they sound smart, or who write things and don't even understand what they're saying. I get so mad at people at school who couldn't give a crap what happens to the people around them. The people who seem to be just existing. I feel that way sometimes, but not all the time, and never when it comes to people. I'm way too over-analytical to be that way, and I seriously don't understand people who couldn't care less about anyone but themselves, and the people they've known their whole lives.

I compare it to a twig snapping.

That's how my monster self happens.

I'll just say things I don't really mean. Say how mad I am and really hurt people with what I say. I'm not great at it, but I get better everyday. I wish so much I could just tape my mouth shut when I'm halfway through, but that's like fuel to the already blazing fire. And the truth is, maybe it doesn't hurt the person as much as I think it should. Maybe I care too much (yes I care too much) but then I forget how to apologize, the words "I'm sorry" escape my lexicon, and my day continues.

Reminds me of this song by Ingrid Michaelson called 'Breakable':

"Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?

Just a cage of ribs and other various parts."

I don't know how yet, but I'm going to stop shooting burning arrows at the soft hearts of people who annoy me too much...

*this post was inspired by the joy that is christmas, the miracle that is hanukah, and the wonder that is snow.

I'm hardcore. I cut my own hair.

There are so many movie scenes of a woman picking up a razor and shaving her head.

In some ways, people interpret this as a loss of beauty or femininity, or a whole new level of intense. Usually, these scenes feature a very emotional/mad/angry woman who is fed up and decides to take ACTION!

However, my story is not nearly as admirable.

I got tired of my hair.

It was too long, and the ends were ratty/dry.

The static in the currently extremely dry air of my house mad it extra frizzy.

I wanted to bounce my hair around like someone on a shampoo commercial.

And also, I want to stress this other reason, because it shows even though I go around saying "I could give a crap what guys think about how I look!"....this is something to note.

I kept my hair long for so long because every guy I asked said they liked it better long.

So, instead of thinking about how Caroline wanted to wear her hair, she thought about how the guys in her life liked long hair better.

What a hypocrite.

I started thinking about this...about how I tell all my girlfriends to "LISTEN TO YOUR OWN HEART!" and "DON'T LET (insert boyfriend's name here) INFLUENCE YOUR DECISION!" and decided I'd had enough...of my hair.

I let my mom know this on a particular weekday. And she said I'd have to wait until tomorrow.

Question: Are you stubborn? Has a beautician ever messed up your hair with a REALLY BAD hair cut?

If you answered yes to both of those questions, you'll appreciate this.

If not, you'll think I'm currently smoking something illegal.

Because folks, I went home, washed my hair, and cut it.

Let me point out, I didn't cut it in a rage. I wasn't crying, angry, or upset. (CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF) I wasn't rebelling against my parents, teachers, and/or school system. I was merely cutting my hair myself. I am a strong, decisive young woman, and though I daily fail at this, I took charge. I watched five "how-to-cut-your-own-hair" videos on youtube (the valley-girl accents were WAY TOTALLY difficult to understand, and I speak valley-girl, so that's sayin somethin) and picked up the nearest scissors. SNIPPITY, SNIP, SNIP! I didn't look back. I cut off six inches of my hair without a single thought. And my mom was horrified.

It's shorter, bouncier, and not perfect (which, really, no homemade things are, including people...hehe) but I LOVE IT. Mostly, because I spend a lot of time thinking about how I fall short and not enough time harnessing my potential. Potential harnessed....and my hair looks good...now that's one successful night.

I'd never wish big fame on anyone

I don't think this is random, because it can be connected to my post about 'New Moon'.

I'm talking about Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. I don't want to really talk about them, because everyone in the whole world it seems is talking about them, but I don't think anyone has really addressed the true awful misery and unhealthy abnormality that they are currently living in. Sure, they might be fueling the fire with their alleged "relationship" (I say grow up and tell the truth already, if you're together say so) but when you really think about it, being followed around my paparazzi AND screaming girls freaking 24/7...that's gotta suck in a major way. I was reading something written about Pattinson...

Rob doesn't just face paparazzi, he gets clawing, shrieking girls too. New Yorkers may remember he was clipped by a cab while fleeing from the ladies on the set of Remember Me this past summer. "But at least that's an experience, something new," he says. "If it's just screaming -- and I know this sounds so ridiculous -- that gets old. But sometimes when there's literal chaos, it's like being in a war zone, and that's kind of exciting. You're just running through the crowd of people chasing after you and no one knows what's going on."

...and doesn't that sound just horrible? Being chased around by screaming all the live-long day. First of all, I'd probably get multiple head aches, scream at people who lived scream-free lives in fits of jealousy, and get super depressed from the environment full of lies and other such crap being reported about me in magazines, on youtube, etc. When asked what she would do if she could be invisible, Stewart said "take a walk". Wow... that's sad. I almost feel like sending someone to bring her to my house for an hour so she could walk up and down the sidewalk without anyone knowing. According to Harper's Bazaar, she "swears like a sailor", and as much as I'd like to rant about how tacky that is, all I can think is "can you blame her?" She must be so angry having every part of her life observed by the media's microscope. She can't even go outside without sneaking around.... All I'm saying is, that's no way to live. Regardless of their dating statuses (and to be honest, I think dating a co-star just makes everything more complicated...but love doesn't discriminate) they both deserve to have a little bit of sanity. After overanalyzing this phenomenon of American pop culture, I've come to a conclusion. I'd never wish big fame on anyone.