Friday, September 30, 2011

Lining of my heart

Starting from the outer edges
Of my already cold elbows
I sometimes feel goosebumps

This thought invades my mind
Every few breaths
That if I give in to the number in front of the
Ne, Cl, H, Fe, Mn, H...HHHH!

To the writing of notes with my fingers
More than my own words
That if I drown in the words from the mouths of profs
Not, My, Own.

I'll lose my friends...
"You're different, why?"
My art
"I don't write anymore"
The lining of my heart.

I know my life is scrawled on an assertive scroll
Nothing I say can change that
But change worries me,

Sunday, September 11, 2011

September 12th, still reeling

So indescribably tethered to back home...

When her grandpa died on 9/11/11
I was reminded
Of the life I could have had
But ran away from

Of what she'll have
With those people
Who've always known her name
Were just getting to know mine

I'm blessed beyond any chemical
Atomic level
Grainy picture of the inside of my heartbeat
And you'd see just how happy I feel

Never do I cry here
Well rarely ever
Periods might make me
From time to time

But time isn't something you can hold in your hand
Or even in a moment

Raindrops blinding my determinedly opened eyes
When I stayed my running steps
For the hundredth time

As the flag surprised me,
Waved above me
I was reminded

Of the life I could have had
Was raised away from

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Save the Date

Bound by inhibitions
I sit up and raise my hand
I like the sound of my voice, to often, more than the words
The voiceless, invisible white noises resound
A blur of too many devotion-lacking nights
And whispers reserved, now dead

Yes, it was something you said
That made me want to curl back into that bathroom
Where I'd look out the window, onto that street
Envision walking down that road,
And never looking back

The funny thing about feeling victomed
Is it comes from you, into others
It's like, genetic or something
Whatever, no one cares, poor me
And she says it now because she likes the sound of her voice

Yes, it was something you did
That makes me want to shackle my hands behind my waist
Already enslaved
At least I can say, "I make my own decisions",
And never looking back

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


I'd rather not build up a single block
If it meant waking up mornings later, sooner than it felt
A breathing person beside me, in the shadow of a tower I built
Flag swaying at its top
With a big red heart
So everyone would know
I was in love

I am in love
And everyday, I fall further
Completely unnecessary is it for someone to come along
Lead me through the Word He gave for everyone
Not two
Every one

Towers fall on either side
I see them come crashing and spring up
Peripheral and right before my eyes
I am in no hurry
For any but He
who gave His life

We answer to the King individually
What we bond so extremely,
However young,
Will be separated
The day we wake up
Finally at home

Monday, September 5, 2011


Sometimes I hear something so worshipful
With no words
No big, "let's raise our hands, arms together" moment

Lonely but fully companioned
Cognizant but blissfully unaware
Caught up but grounded by itty goosebumps

Air all a'chill
Frozen, stilled by classical piano
I don't even have it in me to gasp at the drop
Warmed inside, heart held by hands that made us able

Vibrant blue, green to violet
Violent red that turns to rust
Dust to dust
And yet I marvel

"He knows it's scary to be us"
Yes, that is always true
Fragment of joy, however short its time
Is greater than this phrase of mine

Soul raised, lifted higher than my hands can reach
With no words
Such a big, "I can't see my hands, arms" moment

Thursday, September 1, 2011



I will seek You in the morning
And I will learn to walk in Your ways
And step by step You'll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days

Very militaristic. You can almost hear the "left-right-left" of army boots marching as it's chanted out. Disturbing is the 'learn to walk in your ways', which feels very cult-ish, an eerie sort of conformity.


But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love

Graphic, real. Heart surgery where a person is forever changed. It almost seems inescapable...more than a choice, a completely new kind of love. A heart attack from brokenness...a healing for freedom.


Laid behind a stone
You lived to die
Rejected and alone
Like a rose
Trampled on the ground
You took the fall
And thought of me
Above all

The baffling part about this song is the theme of "me-ness". He thought of ME above ANYONE ELSE. And, who wants to worship a rose trampled on the ground? I guess my point here is...where's the focus? Take Him down from the cross, already. Sure, there needs to be meditation on the sacrifice, but the celebration comes in the "He is risen!"


And time goes quicker
Between the two of us
Oh, my love, don't forsake me
Take what the water gave me

Lay me down
Let the only sound
Be the overflow
Pockets full of stones

Florence + the Machine's new song is a poignant example of offering. "Take what the water gave me" is a devastatingly beautiful line, because it is a giving up of something naturally beautiful. This song, to me, is a recognition that even though nature is glorious, it cannot compare to love (AKA God).
Obviously, I'm taking it out of context, and Flo most likely wrote this to a guy (girl?) who was contemplating leaving her. The worshipful resignation of "lay me down, let the only sound be the overflow", although in her context, sexual, paints a beautiful picture of how we should strive to allow God's hand in our own lives.
So raw and powerful, "I only need this sound to survive". I also love the "pockets full of stones", which reminds me of the "my burden is light" verse. I love this song. It's much easier to feel unworthy than to become fired up for giving up...but Flo's song inspires me to NOT take the easy way out.