I forget how much my grandma loves me

Holiday Shopping.

Need I say more?

Who doesn't love getting all bundled up and walking with Jack Frost nipping at your nose to go buy gifts for people who probably don't need them? Haha..just kidding! I love Christmas/Hanukah shopping...it's tremendously exciting!! I love gift wrap and tissue paper and glitter and ribbon and all of the "NEW" this and "ON SALE" that. My favorite store is Anthropologie (http://www.anthropologie.com) because even though it's a chain, all of the stores manage to seem different. The stores are like happy little worlds where fairies spend all day sewing soft and beautiful costumes of wonder. One of the greatest things about Anthro is the attention to detail. This season, the store is decorated with paper snowflakes and giant animals made out of pages. So cool!

I took my grandma there yesterday, and she just COULD NOT GET OVER the fact that a wooden stump was being used for a store decoration, "Now, If my mother could see this, she wouldn't b'lieve it...stumps belong in barns not..ugh". Anyways, it's been a while since I've shopped with Mammaw, and I'd forgotten how eager she was to make me happy...because every time I exclaimed "Oh I LOVE this", and "THIS IS SO CUTE!!" she would linger there for a few seconds like she was going to buy it. I wanted to say "Mammaw, just because I say I like it doesn't mean I HAVE TO HAVE IT!". It was a little horrifying, because then I realized I had said something in a happy giddy voice about way too much stuff and I hadn't meant to indirectly ask for it. I began to try something different. Instead of being melodramatic and carelessly scattering hyperbolic exclamations about the stuff I liked, I'd say "It's ok...I mean it's nice"...which felt too weird so I went back to my fat-kid-in-a-candy-store voice. I must say I am disappointed with my lack of restraint. What can I say, I'm a sucker for all things magical.

We are just breakable girls and boys

Sometimes I get moody like the people I silently judge everyday.

When I get upset at people, I'll let them have it. My anger is usually directed at people who don't listen when I speak, really listen, when I feel them dismiss me simply with their eyes. Also, people who say stupid things because they think they sound smart, or who write things and don't even understand what they're saying. I get so mad at people at school who couldn't give a crap what happens to the people around them. The people who seem to be just existing. I feel that way sometimes, but not all the time, and never when it comes to people. I'm way too over-analytical to be that way, and I seriously don't understand people who couldn't care less about anyone but themselves, and the people they've known their whole lives.

I compare it to a twig snapping.

That's how my monster self happens.

I'll just say things I don't really mean. Say how mad I am and really hurt people with what I say. I'm not great at it, but I get better everyday. I wish so much I could just tape my mouth shut when I'm halfway through, but that's like fuel to the already blazing fire. And the truth is, maybe it doesn't hurt the person as much as I think it should. Maybe I care too much (yes I care too much) but then I forget how to apologize, the words "I'm sorry" escape my lexicon, and my day continues.

Reminds me of this song by Ingrid Michaelson called 'Breakable':

"Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?

Just a cage of ribs and other various parts."

I don't know how yet, but I'm going to stop shooting burning arrows at the soft hearts of people who annoy me too much...

*this post was inspired by the joy that is christmas, the miracle that is hanukah, and the wonder that is snow.

I'm hardcore. I cut my own hair.

There are so many movie scenes of a woman picking up a razor and shaving her head.

In some ways, people interpret this as a loss of beauty or femininity, or a whole new level of intense. Usually, these scenes feature a very emotional/mad/angry woman who is fed up and decides to take ACTION!

However, my story is not nearly as admirable.

I got tired of my hair.

It was too long, and the ends were ratty/dry.

The static in the currently extremely dry air of my house mad it extra frizzy.

I wanted to bounce my hair around like someone on a shampoo commercial.

And also, I want to stress this other reason, because it shows even though I go around saying "I could give a crap what guys think about how I look!"....this is something to note.

I kept my hair long for so long because every guy I asked said they liked it better long.

So, instead of thinking about how Caroline wanted to wear her hair, she thought about how the guys in her life liked long hair better.

What a hypocrite.

I started thinking about this...about how I tell all my girlfriends to "LISTEN TO YOUR OWN HEART!" and "DON'T LET (insert boyfriend's name here) INFLUENCE YOUR DECISION!" and decided I'd had enough...of my hair.

I let my mom know this on a particular weekday. And she said I'd have to wait until tomorrow.

Question: Are you stubborn? Has a beautician ever messed up your hair with a REALLY BAD hair cut?

If you answered yes to both of those questions, you'll appreciate this.

If not, you'll think I'm currently smoking something illegal.

Because folks, I went home, washed my hair, and cut it.

Let me point out, I didn't cut it in a rage. I wasn't crying, angry, or upset. (CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF) I wasn't rebelling against my parents, teachers, and/or school system. I was merely cutting my hair myself. I am a strong, decisive young woman, and though I daily fail at this, I took charge. I watched five "how-to-cut-your-own-hair" videos on youtube (the valley-girl accents were WAY TOTALLY difficult to understand, and I speak valley-girl, so that's sayin somethin) and picked up the nearest scissors. SNIPPITY, SNIP, SNIP! I didn't look back. I cut off six inches of my hair without a single thought. And my mom was horrified.

It's shorter, bouncier, and not perfect (which, really, no homemade things are, including people...hehe) but I LOVE IT. Mostly, because I spend a lot of time thinking about how I fall short and not enough time harnessing my potential. Potential harnessed....and my hair looks good...now that's one successful night.

I'd never wish big fame on anyone

I don't think this is random, because it can be connected to my post about 'New Moon'.

I'm talking about Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. I don't want to really talk about them, because everyone in the whole world it seems is talking about them, but I don't think anyone has really addressed the true awful misery and unhealthy abnormality that they are currently living in. Sure, they might be fueling the fire with their alleged "relationship" (I say grow up and tell the truth already, if you're together say so) but when you really think about it, being followed around my paparazzi AND screaming girls freaking 24/7...that's gotta suck in a major way. I was reading something written about Pattinson...

Rob doesn't just face paparazzi, he gets clawing, shrieking girls too. New Yorkers may remember he was clipped by a cab while fleeing from the ladies on the set of Remember Me this past summer. "But at least that's an experience, something new," he says. "If it's just screaming -- and I know this sounds so ridiculous -- that gets old. But sometimes when there's literal chaos, it's like being in a war zone, and that's kind of exciting. You're just running through the crowd of people chasing after you and no one knows what's going on."

...and doesn't that sound just horrible? Being chased around by screaming all the live-long day. First of all, I'd probably get multiple head aches, scream at people who lived scream-free lives in fits of jealousy, and get super depressed from the environment full of lies and other such crap being reported about me in magazines, on youtube, etc. When asked what she would do if she could be invisible, Stewart said "take a walk". Wow... that's sad. I almost feel like sending someone to bring her to my house for an hour so she could walk up and down the sidewalk without anyone knowing. According to Harper's Bazaar, she "swears like a sailor", and as much as I'd like to rant about how tacky that is, all I can think is "can you blame her?" She must be so angry having every part of her life observed by the media's microscope. She can't even go outside without sneaking around.... All I'm saying is, that's no way to live. Regardless of their dating statuses (and to be honest, I think dating a co-star just makes everything more complicated...but love doesn't discriminate) they both deserve to have a little bit of sanity. After overanalyzing this phenomenon of American pop culture, I've come to a conclusion. I'd never wish big fame on anyone.

I <3 vintage-looking wedding dresses

I would choose a wedding magazine over dessert.
I'm not a creepy domestic chic that wants to get married tomorrow, I just love looking at pretty things. I love flowers, dresses, and vows in general, so I guess that came together to bestow upon me the wedding bug. I helped my cousin plan her wedding a while ago, and it was one of the most fun experiences I've ever had. All that to say, I'm in love with this new wedding dress designer. Her name is Stephanie James, and her dresses are works of art.
Check them out:
http://www.stephaniejamescouture.com/
And she blogs too!
http://www.stephaniejamescouture.com/blog/?cat=7
Most of her dresses are 50s style, and her veils and fabric flowers are divine. If I ever get married, I'm so considering a pillbox hat :)

so new moon...was amazing

SO...we went to the movie theater last weekend...and started to laugh. The line for New Moon wrapped around the side of the theater, and it was roped off like people were in line for the new "Halo" game or something. As I looked around, it seemed like everyone from my little town was there. I'd also like to say that the boyfriends that were there seriously get my vote for being some of the most dedicated I had ever seen...since there was indeed screaming at the many 'taking-off-the-shirt' moments.

So let's talk about this experience in steps.

Step 1: Embarrass my brother royally by kissing him on the cheek and trying to hold his hand. "No! There are hot girls here and they'll think you're my girlfriend"...and then laughing at him when he wouldn't let me go to the bathroom by myself...all of this happened while standing in line to get into the theater.

Step 2: STAMPEDE! into the theater...runrunrunrunrun to get a good seat, and sit next to a middle-aged woman who informed me that this was her 3rd time watching New Moon...at this point the movie had been out for exactly 3 days.

Step 3: Listen to the uninterrupted screaming when the LIGHTS SLOWLY WENT DOWN! OH MAN PEOPLE...CAN YOU BELIEVE IT...THE LIGHTS WENT DOWN!!!

Step 4: I'm getting good at this. This minute a new Robert Pattinson movie starts running it's trailer, I cover my ears. Did he make another movie unrelated to Twilight, scheduled to run trailers at the exact time New Moon came out, on purpose?!?! The screaming is SO LOUD, that I can't: think, breathe, concentrate, whisper to that lady next to me how ridiculous this is. (On a side note, the movie, titled, 'Remember Me', looks phenomenal...and I do want to see it when it comes out in theaters.)

Step 5: Did I mention the screaming? The movie starts and when Kristen Stewart (Bella) falls off her motorcycle and hits her head...there is no bandage. Of course, Taylor Lautner (Jacob Black) conveniently pulls his shirt over his head and presses it to the wound, exposing his killer abs. Let me just say, "props, tay-boy, props". He got seriously ripped for this movie, and that must have taken some WORK yo.

Step 6: Witness some serious sparkling by the quite handsome, Rob Pattinson. There are too many "slowly unveil the abs" scenes in this movie. This sparkling is bad, though, because revealing himself in sunlight in front of all the Italian people at the outdoor celebration would mean DEATH (I'm not explaining...just go read the books dude)

Step 7: Dakota Fanning as the character Jane is a JOKE with a capital J. In the book, Jane is Aro's lover, who is in her twenties, has dark hair, and would never feel the need to murmur "pain" in a monotone voice before inflicting pain on one of her victims. Dakota's Malibu-Barbie dirty blonde hair is a let down, and since she's too young to be Aro's lover without Summit getting sued, Jane has now been transformed into the sister of a younger member of the Volturi (the bad, law-enforcing vamps). This young man is totally not vampire worthy. According to my brother, "That was ALL for publicity! The brother looked like your typical Disney Channel star with a Justin Bieber swoop haircut, and that stupid line, 'good job sister'. I bet he'd just finished filming a scene for 'Suite Life on Deck'. Why didn't they have Zac and Cody be a duo of Volturi brothers instead...just for laughs?" Yeah so...we were so not buying that story line change.

Step 8: Scream OUT LOUD!! with Edward's ending line of, "marry me". Then the screen went black, and I almost jumped out of my seat. WHAT?!?! A CLIFFHANGER?! Wrong yo, seriously wrong.

I hope I didn't ruin the movie for you. If you like action packed romance (think Transformers with some class + Romeo and Juliet) you'll seriously enjoy this movie. I missed the dreamlike, artistic feel of the first one, (and the music in the first one was wayyy better...Twilight 1 has some seriously good tunes...chech out the soundtrack) but the loss of the Indy style was expected since there is more pressure to please more people now that the Twilight phenom has exploded. All in all, I'd give it 4 stars. You won't get bored, but hopefully you won't get an audience of screamers.

Acrostic Poem

Loosen my headache-causing ponytail

Open my mouth the same time my heart closes

Volunteered-out I decide to just go with my brother

Every time I get myself looking lovely, I wonder who it's for

Is it okay to wear Uggs?

Saturday's too far away from now

And I sing 'Somewhere' for the sixtieth time

Learning how to breathe at every rest is still an issue

Late again? Oh, no, it's at 6:30.

You'd be surprised how nervous a person can get

Opal-fuscia-tangerine scarf to add some color

Undecided, I choose the Dorothy monologue. I'm almost sure everyone else will yell @ Chico.

Now I'm so cold I forget where my skin stops, as we make it to the building

Embarrassed, I excitedly borrow some ballet flats

Everyone LOOKS so PREPARED.

Did I mention I'm shaking?

"I've never loved nobody fully, always one foot on the ground."

Think back in the mixed up pools of your mind. You've probably heard those words before, in a song. If you can remember but don't remember who sang them or what song it was, here you go:

Fidelity, Regina Spektor

I uhm...LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LUH-UH-UH-UH-UHV REGINA SPEKTOR!!!

Her name first off, makes me think of

Inspector Gadget, and his cool hat

My friend Regina, who also has ruby-copper colored bouncy curls

and...the advantages that come with inspecting something...like expiration dates...they're small but they could prevent you from drinking some sour orange juice.

Anyways...Regina came to New York from Russia when she was nine. Her family is Jewish, and her English is still broken in a cute English-is-so-not-my-first-language sort of way. I love hearing her talk almost as much as I love hearing her sing, because even in her broken English, she says some amazing and goose-bump creating things. She has an incredible smile, almost always wears red lipstick, and has an insanely great sense of style even though she always dresses modestly. I watched an interview of her today, and she said something that really got my attention...

“It’s really important to be free. I think freedom…freedom of mind and spirit and really taking chances and fully understanding that at the end if you don’t take those chances, if you’re not free, if you get enslaved by your own insecurities or society or things that you’ve been taught or any kind of thing, if you don’t stay free than at the end no one’s going to congratulate you for going through life in a really proper way. You’re not going to get a prize or anything like that it’s just going to be you’re loss. And so knowing that to really try and stay true to myself and to constantly be on the lookout for loss of freedom, even if it’s by my own self, like when I make myself enslaved in some way, to break out of that.”

This was her response to "what's most important to you in your life?" And I was thinking...what's most important to me in my life...because obviously WOW FREEDOM'S A BIG ONE! Is there anything that could be bigger? I was thinking about it, and everything I came up with was impossible without freedom. Even LOVE, without the freedom to express love, it would struggle to survive.

Listening to her speak, even with the scattered "y'knows", and "like" this, "like" thats, reminded me why listening to people matters, and to not be fooled by giddy laughter and a big smile, people can be nice and smart. People can be nice and smart. Like REAL nice, like talk-to-you-in-a-happy-voice-even-if-they-don't-know-you-very-well nice.

woo-hoo road trip...and a nod to our country

Tomorrow, I will be presenting my brochure I wrote for Government class, Freedom and Liberty...on being a citizen, to a group of I-guess-they're-special-and-important people in a city about an hour away from here. Let me just say...I'm more excited about the bus ride there than the actual day of presentations, even though my brochure features some truly beautiful pictures/illustrations/colors, and I managed to incorporate some artsy-creative characteristics while I hit every content topic WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE RUBRIC PEOPLE. That happened to be an accident, but still, I'm Einstein no kidding. And considering the fact that I'm "failing" two of my classes (at my school that means lower than 90%), it was quite a face lift to receive 100% on something I was sure was going to be another adventure in academic flop. Not because of the assignment, but because I have trouble with writing clearly sometimes. I'm actually having a friend do the actual presenting, but I will come up on the stage at the end to answer questions. Might just have to tear up a little when she reads the letter to a "New American Citizen" at the end.

So I thought I'd share the intro that will be read before it's presented:

This brochure is being presented not for the sake of showing something, but because the ideas expressed within its pages are becoming increasingly important as the years go on. The actions of citizens shape government by letting those in charge know what the public wants out of its country. Actions made by American citizens that are uneducated could actually destroy the democratic principles and go against the vision our founding fathers had. It sound extremely cliché, but a country that is, in essence run by the people, relies on its people to sustain it. As long as people are informed of the issues and decisions concerning American politics, and maintain real human relationships with other people in their community, democracy is indeed sustainable. This brochure is an attempt to encourage Civitas, or freedom acquired by being a community leader, and was initially a project designed for welcoming new American immigrants into the country. It is very important that EVERY American understands his or her rights, and it’s equally important for Americans to become involved in their government to sustain their rights and liberties. Consider this a reminder of why it’s great to be an American, and why it’s important to stay conscience of politics in these changing times.

Amazing right? Peace, love, and Jonas

HAHAHA....that was a joke...I hear they're nice people...but I'm not a "fan"...per se...their old stuff was better

"Change is good, it's forever that's hell"

An incredibly brilliant young woman said the words that make up the title of this little post. It made me think. Is forever...a bad thing? Like all overly romantic people who enjoy vampire love stories, I'm a huge Twilight fan. But to never change...to stay the same...forever...

When I was younger I saw that movie Tuck Everlasting with the girl from Gilmore Girls who I totally think is the prettiest actress ever, and I got SO MAD AT HER at the end!!! Why wouldn't she wait for Jesse?! Didn't she know that he loved her?? But to not have the opportunity to have a family of your own, to be stuck at a specific age, with a specific face, to not have last words, grandkids, or the appreciation of life that comes with a last breath (I'm guessing). I don't know...that seems so unnatural...almost like Las Vegas. Have you ever been to Vegas? It's BEAUTIFUL. But it's also an illusion, because it's in the middle of a dessert, and it's completely unnatural, and without all the money that sustains it, and keeps pumping water into the swimming pools and fountains, keeps misting the tourists that walk into the beautiful hotels (no lie it sprays from the ceiling like the vegetable misters at Meyer) it would be nothing. Just a dry, sandy, deserted part of the world, too hot for anyone who's not a local.

So I'm not a professional, but let's hear from one:

Brendan Shea, in the book Twilight and Philosophy, writes: At the close of 'Breaking Dawn', Bella and her allies appear to be well on their way to "happily ever after". One could imagine how the years after the close of the book might go. Renesmee grows quickly to adulthood and moves away with Jacob. Charlie and Renee grow old and die; alternatively, they become vampires and move in with the rest of the clan. Bella travels the world, attends a variety of famous colleges, and writes a novel of her own. But what then? What will Bella and Edward do two hundred years from now? Or two thousand years from now? Eventually, they will have seen every sight and read every book. If they devote themselves to the task, they may succeed in riding the world of the Volturi, or even converting all vampires to their brand of "vegetarianism". There will, at some point, be nothing left to interest them. After thousands of years, they may even lose any need or desire to speak to each other--each knows what the other will say, and without the person saying it. The problem, it seems, is one of boredom.

Hey, you may disagree. I sure did. "NO!! They'll never fall out of love!! Their love is FOREVER!" But think about it, wouldn't you get bored. Will Vegas last, will Botox keep a person young forever? No. And even in the Twilight world, forever is gonna get dull.

So, I'm blessed with my mortality--and the challenge of using my time wisely!

Here's a poem from today and a while ago:

Morning

It's test day and my unsharpened pencil rolls across the table onto the floor.

No one picks it up

I miss the exact moment of starting

I'm not excited enough.

I get so distracted

Grey sunlight picks up the pink iridescent red-blue smudges on a cream colored marker board

Shines rainbow into my eyes

That's lovely.

I pull myself back to the sharp math problems on the page

We finished the reading section

No more passages of almost interesting topics to lose myself in.

It's almost night

The sunset bleeds pink light through my closed window

It's too cold for fresh air.

Frozen golden dew drops from this morning

Watch as the sky turns slowly navy.

Night

It's so pitch black scary I can't even see shadows

It's getting late so early now.

I breathe on the freezing cold glass and draw pictures

A heart, a smile a question mark.

That cricket is still alive

Crying for help behind the T.V.

It's dark back there

He's used to it now

His new nightmare come alive

I wish I could help.

well i knew this day was coming

I joined a lyrical dance class. It's the first dance class I've ever really taken as a young adult. I took tap when I was ten for a year, and ballet when I was five. I got inspired watching contemporary dance on youtube...I wanted it more than anything! I was so pumped...and I did well for classes 1,2, & 3. This time though, I watched most of the time. It was very awkward, me trying to be polite about the fact that I didn't understand and wanted to "sit out" most of the small routines. What was very embarrassing was...the second exercise that I didn't even try seemed to be the easiest for everyone else. Our teacher used ballet terms I had never heard, and my head was spinning just watching her demonstrate. It was a bit depressing, but I'm gonna make myself go back. I think I'll share this for anyone who's ever felt this way before:

They are all so beautiful,

Slender like blades of grass, gracefully dancing across the floor.

I wait until the next set of girls moves up, and I sneak behind all of them

I don’t understand the steps.

This is all so easy for them

Like baby food.

I watch in awe

I wish I could move like that

So beautiful.

I laugh at myself inside

For signing up

And laying out all my money

Thinking I would just

Learn it all

I could keep up!

But here I am.

I clumsily follow the next routine

Missing all the turns and jumps

At the end we’re supposed to free style.

I stop where she stopped teaching

And watch the other girls move like poetry in motion

Elegance dipped in youth.

I’m as still as a statue

Arms crossed

Fighting back tears

It moves me to near crying

So beautiful

But sad

I’ll never get there

“NO!” I shout back to that little voice

“That’s not true…I’ll get there!”

I’m bigger than all the other girls

It shouldn’t matter

At my age

But it does

Cuts like a razor

I “dance to the music” in my own room

Move to words that raise goosebumps when I’m not the 15^th girl

Who makes partnering uneven

I’m too uncomfortable

Too big

They’re all so beautiful

"Because you can be whatever you want to"

Who loves Halloween? (let the me-ing commence) I still dress up. Yeah, I'm probably too old and yes, people do give me the little half-smile "aren't-you-too-old-for-a-head-to-toe-costume?" look. I don't care and in all honesty, that kind of makes the holiday even better! Last year, I braved the criticism and dressed up like Sarah Palin. It was a great costume, especially since I actually like Palin. Somehow it was okay to scold the insults of my fellow neighbors while I was wearing Palin get-up. The year before I was a tootsie roll...it's wonderful being a candy. Before the slow and painful death of a hungry person's mouth, you're well loved. The year before I was Marie Antoinette. Let me start by saying most people thought I was a Disney Princess. "Oh are you Belle?" and other such nonsense. Ari was King Louis, but of course everyone called him "Captain Hook". This is so troubling! I wore a heavy wig and everything! Anyway, I gained a new appreciation for her, and the many back aches that silly wig probably gave her.

This year, I'm going to be a fairy. I love saying "I'm going to be a _____". It's so thrilling...reminds me of my childhood when I wanted to marry Franklin the turtle.

Being anything you want to is such a great message. I hear it everyday, but there's really only one day when it's socially acceptable to dress up like the Phantom of the Opera because "your mom made you" (even though you actually spent hours putting the costume together), like Elvis because he's the "king" (even though we all know you sing 'blue suede shoes in the shower)

So...dress up for Halloween. Even if you aren't going trick-or-treating, don't have a Halloween party to go to, and hate pumpkin flavored anything. Wearing someone else's clothes is a learning experience, and seeing someone else in the mirror is quite liberating.

I already snagged the end of a fairy wing, I'd suck as a fairy. I've gained a newfound respect for Tinkerbelle...

The ships I shape

The ships I shape shine Sunday morning sparkles

Sent to shame in the corner of my room

I see them shaking, sharing selfish gasps of oxygen, shoulder to shoulder

The ships I shape show shy sighs and wallow in sharp grief

I still cry on the bathroom floor

I'm really inspired by people who cry in the open.

They're not embarrassed to how they're hurting on the inside, and they don't lie about having a bad day. I don't know why, but there are so many people in my family that keep their deeper emotions in check, so maybe I learn it from them. I hate crying in front of people. So much so, that one of my weekly prayers is, "Thank you for giving me tears that dry fast, and don't leave my eyes looking like I've cried".

I love Ellen Degeneres, and I especially love something she said during one of her stand up shows: "There is no silence, there's just constant noise all the time and people are talking all the time. Even with all the talking there's no communication. Even when we say 'how are you?' we don't mean 'how are you?', we don't care, just give us a 'fine' or a 'good', a one syllable and move along. And don't even say 'pretty good' that's a follow-up question, 'Pretty good? Did something happen, I don't have time...to.....what?' "

I think this is true about people, including myself.

These days when I get so upset that tears occur, I'm surprised, because I didn't have time to notice my frustration was actually that bad.

So today, when there was a possibility that something I worked for so long on was not going to even matter, I instantly felt that overheated, choking-for-air feeling I get before I cry. I'm not a pretty crier, let me just say that. And I was surprised! What?! This is not the end of the world! Nobody died! "What is your problem?" I realized that with all my observations, I forgot to observe myself, evaluate my snappy impulses without realizing how trivial they are. I've decided I'm not going to cry at school anymore for the rest of the month. That's it, no matter how angry I get with myself, or a teacher, or anyone else, I'm just going to take a deep breath and smile because I'm healthy. And if I have to cry, I'm not hiding away embarrassed to say I'm mad. Because, let me just say, my school's bathroom floor is pretty cold this time of year.

A little improv poem

I wish I could say

I fit in here now

With every step I watch I

fall

in

line

I wish I could say

I've calloused my skin

That nobody sees

That I don't cry when I'm frustrated with my inability to understand

That I've grown out of it

I wish I could say

That the sparkle in my eyes

And the little girl voice I use when I'm happy

Has changed to an aggressive glint of determination

And a deep, wise, serious tone

That is constant.

But I can't

Say those things;

I'm as small as a whisper.

My people have eyes

I've been thinking about people this evening.

Specifically, people's people. "These are my people", "What hurts my people, hurts me", "I fight for my people". There's someone for everyone...blahblahblah. We've all heard it. Most of us have people. I'm not really talking about family, although your family might be your people. I'm talking about the people who you turn off your own thoughts for to listen to, not because you're "supposed to" or you have to, but because you want to. The people you care to hear, the people who speak words you make a point to see in your head, because they matter to you. The people you spend time with on the weekend. People who are important in your life. Maybe someone in your "people" group speaks to you and you get goosebumps. Or she talks and you feel an imaginary blanket cover you, head to toe. Or he smiles, and you don't need an explanation, you know why. Your people. You'd fight for them, you'd die for them. You stick with 'em. And no matter what, there's no doubt, no question. They're your people.

So what happens in school? You get mixed up with people who aren't your people. You learn to work with them. You learn to sort of care about them. And some of them, actually make it into your group of "people". This, honestly, is rare, but happens. Go talk to someone who says "high school was the best time of my life". It happened to them.

The reason why I'm writing about this, is because I don't know if I like this idea of having "people". I'm a hypocrite. However, I'm observant. I notice when I tell a white lie to get out of talking to someone who is not a part of my "people". I acknowledge the faults of my people, but I also acknowledge the ways in which I SCREAM YELL FIGHTFIGHTFIGHT, get mad when someone else talks about any and all faults of my people. Including myself. Think about wars. People with people that have tempers, and enemies.

Some people in my group of "people" don't know that they are my people.

Is this pathetic, or is this true for everyone?

I'm also thinking about eyes this evening. There was this show on T.V. called Kyle XY.

Wiki's blurb about it: "Kyle XY is an American drama television series filmed in the Vancouver, British Columbia, area. The show revolves around a boy named Kyle (Matt Dallas), who awakens in a forest outside Seattle, Washington, suffering from amnesia. The series follows Kyle as he tries to understand the mysteries of who he is and why he has no memory of being a child."

Anyway, this Kyle dude goes to live with a family and makes a great observation about eyes. He notices that most of the communication at the dinner table isn't spoken. One study at UCLA indicated that up to 93 percent of communication effectiveness is determined by nonverbal cues.

This connects back to the "my people" talk. I notice my people's nonverbal cues. Sometimes, a lot of the time, I miss those of the people outside of "my people". I need to get better at not doing that, but like every habit, it will take effort, and energy I might not want to generate. I've decided, however, to experiment. Treat someone outside of my people like someone who is a part of my people. We'll see how it goes.

Also, a poem I wrote a long time ago. I love it, so I'm sharing it with some hesitation.

Music is how we heal in this house

How his fingers touch the keys after a day of yelling, and melt away every cold word said.

How I hum along to a melody he makes up

And hug whoever is nearby

Because at the end of an absolutely horrible day

After every decision ever made is evaluated

It all comes down to this piano

And the reason why we all stay even though we're so different

Incompatible

Love.

We go on washing dishes and finishing papers and listening to 'Let It Be' as we do just that

And hope in some way the music never stops.

Some things are good ya know

All day I complain

In my head

Even when I'm smiling, I complain

"How are you?"

Fine

"How are your classes?"

Fine

"How has your day been?"

Fine

I go to work. Joe tells me I have to wheel a patient to her car in the yellow parking lot. She's a new mom.

When I get to the room, she asks if she can have a minute. I say Fine

I look at the baby in the new dad's arms

"Is it a girl or boy?"(safe, I don't want to make a mistake and say the wrong thing. No one does anymore)

"Girl" (you can tell he's smiling when he says it)

"Oh, I thought so"

"My little girl"

The earth stops. He cries a little. Kisses her forehead. He's not fine, he's better.

When time starts again with a jerk, I ask more safe questions. "Did you know it was going to be a girl?", "Are you happy to be going home". But then I leave to drop something off at the nurse's station. I don't have to, but the incredible aura around him, such strong peace and love, is too strong for me to stand. I'm used to being miserable about all the work and stress and failure of my own personal problems. But just then, when he acknowledged his love for her in front of me, a stranger, I remembered what it felt like to really smile. To smile and mean it. To be a good listener without any noise. I'll remember that little girl forever, how she changed that man by just being alive. And, at least for a little while, I'll stop being fine. Because some things are great ya know.

I was born in L.A....I have celebrity needs

I don't need luxurious things to make me happy.

I take pride in my detachment to materialistic things. We moved this summer from a house I had lived in for a little over seven years, initials in the cement and everything, and I didn't shed one tear. I don't take pride in this. I wish I was more sentimental than this when it comes to where I live, what car I'm driven in, etc... However, there are a few things that make me unhappy, frustrated, and stressed.

1) unclean cups

2) dusty chairs

3) flies

4) sticky floors

5) dog hair

6) public restrooms

I know it's irrational. I understand that I'm a spoiled, selfish, unappreciative American. But oh man, it doesn't matter what I do, these six things make me cringe and shake with anger all over. Just a few years ago, my family decided to take an R.V. trip. We went to Yellowstone. It was beautiful...absolutely breathtaking. However, the R.V. shower...not so much. It was here I discovered communal showers...ones that required .25 for every 15 min. Hello, do you know who you're dealing with here? This is the girl who was horrified this summer during vacation when she realized the shower in the apartment her family rented didn't have hot water...even though it was close to 100 degrees outside. The same chick who spends 30 MINUTES AT LEAST taking a shower every day, because she takes time to actually enjoy the experience. Anyway, when I started high school last year, I was almost entirely pleased with the women's restroom except...

1) It's as cold as hell's brother in there

2) The water from the sink isn't warm until after 2nd period

and

3) The toilet paper is not anywhere near being soft. For realz..it is barely one ply.

So, just the other day during 2nd period (the dreaded pre-calc ugh) I went to the bathroom because I was feeling stupid and needed a break and VOILA! Someone had magically removed the one ply toilet paper and replaced it with some very thick Charmin Ultra. Let me just say, this was proof again that there is a God above who loves me. I fingered it in wonder...who was the lovely janitorial person who had removed the other toilet paper wanna-be, set it on top of the dispenser, and replaced it with what looked like a BRAND NEW ROLL OF REAL TOILET PAPER? I had to meet this person. Kiss their feet, give them a thank you note! At least, shake their hand, and shout with passion, "THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!" Then I gasped. No, I couldn't even think it. OF COURSE the person who so lovingly replaced the paper in my stall did it to the others. Or did they? I unlatched the door, and quickly checked the other stalls. omg. The others were still the same crappy toilet paper as before. How could this be? HOW COULD THIS BE? I looked around, scared now. SOMEONE WAS WATCHING ME, I COULD FEEL IT! But no, alas, there was no one else in the freezing little room. This luck just happened to fall in my hands on this exact day for no apparent reason. Or was it something else? I don't believe in Karma, but folks, I admit with pride that I have never cussed at school. Oh I have been tempted, many, many times. But never have I ever actually stated out loud a four lettered sin...(I don't believe cussing is a sin--for dramatic effect).

And wouldn't you know the next day I said d***it and ruined my squeaky clean record.

Like you, my friend, I like you

Some people are just plain inspirational

I used to be inspired by Oprah. I loved her "favorite things" episodes, when she would give all her favorite things of the year to the audience. I thought that school she built in Africa for those girls was the coolest thing anyone had ever done ever, and I dreamed of doing things like that if I ever fell into wealth. Then, I got annoyed by too many "Aha! moments"and "What I know for sures", and my admiration for her simmered down.

These days, I'm more inspired by the real people in my life. People that inspire that Mr. Roger's song from forever ago, 'You Are Special', to play in my head. Here's a few lines:

You are my friend
You are special
You are my friend
You're special to me.
You are the only one like you.
Like you, my friend, I like you.

My friend Olivia, for example. We met last year, when I came to a new high school. Our school is very difficult, and yet she still finds time to be an amazing horseback rider (I'm sure there's a cooler word than 'horseback rider', but horses scare me, so I wouldn't know) and an amazing friend to everyone who's lucky enough to know her as one. So..yeah..I'm afraid of horses. I won't deny it. Maybe it's an irrational fear, but after I watched someone fall off their horse, I viewed these hoofed mammals differently. Olivia has survived falling off her horse several times, and actually chases horses around for fun. Excuse me. Come again? Why don't you just jump in a pool with a killer whale and play water polo. This is amazing to me..amazingly cool!! I wish I had the guts to do that. I wish I had the skill of being a good listener, and a patient learner. I'm working at these things everyday...but for now, I have the privilege of knowing Olivia, who does all of these things without trying. I'm blessed to know you, livvy love..thanks for everything :)

Another thing, every day, people my age die for no reason at all. They go to get coffee, and walk into the sidewalk without waiting for the light to turn green...they hit their head in the shower, they get hit in their car by a drunk driver on their way to a party, they get mugged and shot and raped and blahblahblah I don't want to think about it! What I do want to think about, and be better at doing, is telling the people I love how much I care about them. If someone you know is a joy to love, tell them! You don't know how many days you've got left, and even though it takes time to count blessings, it's totally worth it!

(p.s.....sorry about the bosco stick picture, guys. It's not showing up on my 'crappy day' post, maybe in defiance of all my bad comments aimed at Bosco sticks :)

Everyone who had a crappy day, say "aye"

There is very rarely a time when I have good luck.

I know some people don't believe in luck, and others let it rule their lives by spending all their money in Vegas or on lotto tickets, but my luck is more like the casual ray of sunshine that lands on you during a good hair day like a golden spotlight. Today, my parents had a meeting, so I was gonna order food at school. Since I'm a vegetarian (woo-hoo! aren't we cool!!), I struggle to enjoy my school's lunches, because honestly, the veggie options taste like crap. My mom also had a meeting yesterday (she usually brings my lunch everyday cuz she's cool like dat) so I was forced to eat Bosco sticks.

For those of you who don't know what a Bosco stick is, refer to the image above. Sure, they look all cheesy, salty, and delicious...but they're really oily, stale, and make your stomache feel crappy..(well this is my experience with them, yours might be different). Anyway, today I was pumped because it was BLACK BEAN BURGER DAY!!! HOORAY!! I got to school early, ordered my burger with conviction, and smiled every time I thought of the great lunch I was gonna have. When I got to Pre-Calc second period, I spent the majority of the time between "so frustrated I want to rip up the marker board" and "on the verge of hot and angry tears". I hate that feeling. The one where everyone is getting it, writing the answers without any confusion, and understanding how they got there. Still, every few minutes I would chant it in my head while praying for some light-bulb of understanding, "black bean burger, black bean burger, black bean burger..." and I actually felt happier. The greatest moment of failure during class was when my whole group got the same answer, "A", and proceeded to ask me what I got for the same question:

"So, what did you guys get for #6?"

"A"

"A!"

"I got A too" "Alright!" "Oh yeah!!" (high-fiving simultaneously)

"Hey Caroline, what did you get?"

Me: (deep sighing) "B, (In a really quiet but seriously salty voice) math can suck it, seriously"

And everyone laughed, because that is truly the most innappropriate thing I've ever said at school. But anyway, I kept chanting to myself about lunch..

Fast-forward to lunch. The line nearly wraps around the school (ok not really, but it was soo long) and I'm in the back. When I finally got to the front of the line, the lady says, "Sorry, your name's not on the list". Let me just say that yesterday, I brought this same lady a sunflower because I knew she was probably stressed, (since she's new to the front desk and all) and I know it's not her fault that my name wasn't on the list, but I was mad at her like no one's business. I said, "Wait, I have a witness!", and showed her my fellow classmate who has the same 1st period class as me (where our 'lunch count' was taken). His name was ALSO not on the list and when he realized this, he was salty. "You'll have to stand on the outside of the line and wait 'til everyone whose name is on the list gets their lunch first. If there's a lunch leftover, we'll give it to you", she said. And with that, she placed a nice black bean burger on the side for me. 10 min. later, my burger was gone, as was everything else. But wait!! She could give me some "Bogo sticks" from yesterday. Ok, I believe I clarified my hate for Bosco sticks, but in that moment, I felt tears welling up in my eyes.

I went to the bathroom and sobbed. Crying is good sometimes. Especially when you can laugh about something like the new front desk lady calling Bosco sticks Bogo sticks. Anyway, I talked to my advisor about it (referencing the silliness of it all several times) and she gave me her apple and $2 for the vending machine. It was such a nice gesture, and I wish I could say I refused honorably, but I didn't. Moments like these remind me that I'm still young, and so blessed to have wonderful people around me everyday :) (even if they do give me a lot of homework)

A note about Jesus' sandals

I never really thought people looked at my shoes

but today, during my Government class, I had the following discussion with the student sitting to my right.

"I hate Jesus sandals!"

Me: "What?"

"You know, when girls wear sandals like what Jesus wore. It's like, NO! Those are his sandals. And they're not even nice looking without the big robe he wore. I mean, that robe covered them most of the time anyway."

Me: "Well I guess people think they're still in style..."

"My people don't need to be wearin no Jesus sandals. We wear J's, 'forces, Tims, fuhlip-fuhlops!"

Me: "Hang on..what are Jay's? And..vorces?!?"

"It's like..if you saw someone carryin a staff around like Moses', you would not stand for that. I would not stand for that. I'ma gonna beat up anyone who carries around a Moses staff, cuz you just don't do that!"

and then the teacher interrupted. "As I'm looking around at this class, I can already judge who's going to pass by the people working quietly and dilligently, and those who are choosing to live below the line and socialize with their neighbors."

so yeah..conversation over.

But I've been learning a LOT of new things from people in Government. For example : new words.

1. Salty: pissed, upset.

When our teacher asked the class to write adjectives on the board that we believed described 'government', someone wrote 'salty'. He said he wouldn't erase it because he was too curious to learn the definition. 3 people began to talk over one another to prove it was a real word. "You know, like if you get slapped in the face by your friend, you feelin salty!" "Or like Nixon in the Watergate scandal, that dude was saaal tay!"

Laughing ensued, but I appreciated adding the new word to my lexicon.

The vocab lesson continued with this word:

2. Grimey: doin u wrong or dirty... backstabbin...

Many of my classmates agreed that American government promised things only to go back on the words said. They felt deceived, and were unsure whether or not they could trust any politicians.

I'm really enjoying this class, and look forward to learning new things everyday.

And now..to go deep.

let's now talk about feelings :)

here's a poem of mine. it's an original so don't rip me off and use it for something and say that it's yours...cuz that's plain grimey and you don't want to see my salty face..no way! It'll scare you. anyways...karma. remember that.

Go out that door and find the sunset you've been missing

Follow that sound, you hear it everywhere,

because no one cares

Because no one knows

They've all lived

They've all chosen

This is your choice and it's broken.

Soar through your soul

Fly before Heaven, take control

Home is gone

Without one your feet will carry you on

Where are you going? It's great not knowing. That's how your life is...this life that's yours.

Scarlet and Grey, hip-hip hooray!

Ohio |ōˈhī-ō|
a state in the northeastern U.S., bordering on Lake Erie; pop. 11,353,140; capital, Columbus; statehood, Mar. 1, 1803 (17). It was acquired by Britain from France in 1763 and by the U.S. in 1783 after the American Revolution.

You know when I feel least like an Ohioan?

When I'm sitting at a gate headed for Columbus in an airport, and I look around at all the lovely folks I'm flying with.  Right now I'm in Newark, sitting in one of those blue chairs that are all connected in a line, waiting for my plane to board.  Across from me is a young, whiny chick in a bright hoodie: Tiffany promise ring on the right hand, shiny, new engagement ring on the left with a matching band.  Obviously a newlywed, she's complaining to someone next to her about the line she stood in for security, how it was so crowded and hot she thought she was gonna faint.  She crouched down, put her head in between her knees, and talked to herself so she wouldn't lose consciousness.  She didn't want to be prevented from getting on the plane.  The guy who's listening, nodding and "yep-yepping" has a heavyheavy Southern accent, and proceeds to 1-up her when she's finished, recounting his hellish ride on an air tram.  

Look, I know it's bad.  We've all been squeezed into one of those trains, and I agree it's not the Disney World monorail by any means....

but must we hear his tale WORD-FOR-WORD-FOR-WORD-FOR-WORD?

The men, and I'm talking adults now, behind me, are talking about burping and the best energy drinks.  

I started talking to hoodie girl.  She claps sometimes when she talks, very enthusiastic.  My mom took over the conversation, until the little high-pitched Chinese dude behind the desk interrupted to announce that our flight was delayed longer.  Hoodie lady calls her husband, tells him she wished she was wearing her "comfy clothes", and she might get something to drink.  

Then there's Flippy.

Flippy's short, a little red in the face and he definitely looks P/O'd.  He goes up to behind-the-desk guy, and YELLS!!  It's a blur of words, that ends with

"I've dealt with a LOT of LOSERS in my lifetime, but you. are. WORTHLESS!!!"

And so I get up to buy an over-priced water bottle from a book store that only sells trashy love novels and celebrity autobiographies.

The above is simply a hyperbolic rant.  I  love Ohio, and the people in it.  Including the cows and the Buckeyes.  I have nothing against hoodies, newlyweds, Asians, red-faced people, or the sarcastically labeled "hoodie girl".  She was quite nice and compassionate.