well i knew this day was coming

I joined a lyrical dance class. It's the first dance class I've ever really taken as a young adult. I took tap when I was ten for a year, and ballet when I was five. I got inspired watching contemporary dance on youtube...I wanted it more than anything! I was so pumped...and I did well for classes 1,2, & 3. This time though, I watched most of the time. It was very awkward, me trying to be polite about the fact that I didn't understand and wanted to "sit out" most of the small routines. What was very embarrassing was...the second exercise that I didn't even try seemed to be the easiest for everyone else. Our teacher used ballet terms I had never heard, and my head was spinning just watching her demonstrate. It was a bit depressing, but I'm gonna make myself go back. I think I'll share this for anyone who's ever felt this way before:

They are all so beautiful,

Slender like blades of grass, gracefully dancing across the floor.

I wait until the next set of girls moves up, and I sneak behind all of them

I don’t understand the steps.

This is all so easy for them

Like baby food.

I watch in awe

I wish I could move like that

So beautiful.

I laugh at myself inside

For signing up

And laying out all my money

Thinking I would just

Learn it all

I could keep up!

But here I am.

I clumsily follow the next routine

Missing all the turns and jumps

At the end we’re supposed to free style.

I stop where she stopped teaching

And watch the other girls move like poetry in motion

Elegance dipped in youth.

I’m as still as a statue

Arms crossed

Fighting back tears

It moves me to near crying

So beautiful

But sad

I’ll never get there

“NO!” I shout back to that little voice

“That’s not true…I’ll get there!”

I’m bigger than all the other girls

It shouldn’t matter

At my age

But it does

Cuts like a razor

I “dance to the music” in my own room

Move to words that raise goosebumps when I’m not the 15^th girl

Who makes partnering uneven

I’m too uncomfortable

Too big

They’re all so beautiful