Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I still cry on the bathroom floor

I'm really inspired by people who cry in the open.
They're not embarrassed to how they're hurting on the inside, and they don't lie about having a bad day. I don't know why, but there are so many people in my family that keep their deeper emotions in check, so maybe I learn it from them. I hate crying in front of people. So much so, that one of my weekly prayers is, "Thank you for giving me tears that dry fast, and don't leave my eyes looking like I've cried".
I love Ellen Degeneres, and I especially love something she said during one of her stand up shows: "There is no silence, there's just constant noise all the time and people are talking all the time. Even with all the talking there's no communication. Even when we say 'how are you?' we don't mean 'how are you?', we don't care, just give us a 'fine' or a 'good', a one syllable and move along. And don't even say 'pretty good' that's a follow-up question, 'Pretty good? Did something happen, I don't have time...to.....what?' "
I think this is true about people, including myself.
These days when I get so upset that tears occur, I'm surprised, because I didn't have time to notice my frustration was actually that bad.
So today, when there was a possibility that something I worked for so long on was not going to even matter, I instantly felt that overheated, choking-for-air feeling I get before I cry. I'm not a pretty crier, let me just say that. And I was surprised! What?! This is not the end of the world! Nobody died! "What is your problem?" I realized that with all my observations, I forgot to observe myself, evaluate my snappy impulses without realizing how trivial they are. I've decided I'm not going to cry at school anymore for the rest of the month. That's it, no matter how angry I get with myself, or a teacher, or anyone else, I'm just going to take a deep breath and smile because I'm healthy. And if I have to cry, I'm not hiding away embarrassed to say I'm mad. Because, let me just say, my school's bathroom floor is pretty cold this time of year.

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